In our Malay society, before marriage, usually a couple will go through the engagement ceremony first. Engagement in Malay is called “Bertunang”. The period for engagement usually vary from six months to 3 years.
On the day of the engagement, the future bride will dress in her best clothes, some will even rent out a clothes similar to those worn for weddings. A group of the future groom’s family members will come over to the future bride’s home at the pre-arranged time. Usually the future groom do not tagged along.
The future groom’s family will come laden with trays of gifts which will then be placed in the centre of the hall. The engagement ceremony will begin with recitation of prayers, a formal introduction of both sides, a discussion on the agreement of how long the period of the engagement will be, the confirmation of the amount for the “mas kahwin” (marriage fee or dowry) and the number of gifts to be exchanged, these gifts we called it the “hantaran”.
During the discussion, one of the highlighted points discuss will be what to do if the engagement does not result in marriage. Do they need to return the gifts to the respective parties or not? But usually, the side that breaks up have to forfeit their gifts.
Once the details have been agreed upon, an elderly woman from the future groom’s side will then place a ring on the future bride’s finger. Then it will be proceeded with the exchange of the gifts from both parties followed by supplication made as a form of thanksgiving.
:)
Posted by Maryam on May 12, 2008 at 9:05 pm
Thats pretty straight-forward I must say. Talking about what happens if this engagement doesnt lead to marriage. Thats scary, Isnt it ?
The ritual is almost the same in India too, minus the above mentioned ofcourse ….
Posted by saly on May 13, 2008 at 3:57 am
hehe, sis, hve you been requested to be a “wakil”???
Posted by adikbongsu on May 13, 2008 at 4:39 am
Salam,
Maryam : yeah its scary but ppl over hear are too practical, we like to cover up just in case it happens which frankly speaking do often happens, sad isn’t it?
Saly : lom lagik…. gaknya lom “cukup umur” utk jadi wakil…ekekeke
Posted by Ummi on May 13, 2008 at 8:05 am
intersting sis…
last time, the future groom does not come along with his representatives…now, I notice, the groom will also come along, some wearing bridal baju kurung too !
anyway in Islam, there is no such thing as engagment rite ? Its only Nikah rite ??
Posted by adikbongsu on May 13, 2008 at 8:31 am
ummi, you are right!, in Islam no engagement, only the Malay culture allows such thing and yes last time the groom do not follow but nowadays trends is otherwise.
recently I read that once a man had asked for a woman’s hand, they will quickly process the akad nikah ceremony without much delay. I think this is good cos this is what Islam teaches us. Another thing I wish society will get rid of is the hantaran. Do we really need to place high price before allowing our kids to marry? I think its a burden and a promotion of “maksiat”.
If the groom do not have to prepare such an abominable sum of money, they could quickly get married and avoid committing sins which will happen when the couple go out on dates, don’t you think so?
People shld not care that their daughters have very little dowry, the one and high priority should be their daughter safely married and the married couple are committed to become responsble, loving and committed spouses to each other by following the sunnah of Rasulullah s.a.w.
Posted by liz on July 31, 2009 at 1:14 pm
oMg i totally agreed! i requested not 2 give hantaran but my boyfriend insist coz his mum dont 1 2 lose face! Sick rite??
Posted by adikbongsu on August 18, 2009 at 1:52 am
Hi Liz, change can be done but it takes time and effort.
Posted by saly on May 13, 2008 at 9:10 am
Hub has this plan that when Kakak is intending to get married, we will do so with the akad nikah ceremony only. He says that he does not want to burden Kakak and the future husband with $$$ woes, wat’s with the marriage ceremony, hantaran, etc. InsyaAllah, the $$$ saved will be the start of their marriage/family life. The important thing is the restu and the akad nikah ceremony done simply
.
At the moment, I’m still not sure, but hey, kakak is only 11 years now
..talk about planning huh?
Walla Haula Walla Ku wata Illah Bilahil Aliyil Adzim.
Posted by Umm Yusuf on May 13, 2008 at 9:12 pm
Assalaamu Alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuhu,
Mash’Allah, nice read. I always love to hear about weddings in different cultures. This is very similar to the way Indonesian’s do it too.
Sorry I haven’t been around much, super busy. But I want to let you know that i do still read your blog even if i don’t have the time to comment every one!
Posted by Ummi on May 14, 2008 at 4:42 am
sis….very true…. i cant agree more… today’s society is more scared of culture rather than sins…
when it was my time, we were made to get engaged for 1 year plus as hubby had to painstakingly come up with the 10 K hantaran which my parents ask for ….. he was still studying at that time ! talk abt all the dosa right when we meet up even to go for kuliah at the mosque together.
so now, me and hubby decided when it comes to little habib’s time, we pray he gets a good family who will agree to a small majlis of maulid, nikah and briyani dam !! : )
Posted by adikbongsu on May 14, 2008 at 5:10 am
Wa’alaikumussalam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,
Umm Yusuf : I miss you n your posting, glad to hear from you sister!
Saly : Aha! I have the same idea as well for all my 3 girls.
Ummi : All the best, hopefully thru our generation this kind of culture can be eroded totally, insya’Allah…. let’s pray hard for it shall we?…
Posted by saly on May 14, 2008 at 6:20 am
InsyaAllah eh sis
.
We just want the best for our children and for them to remember themselves and be a good muslim
.. amin, ya rabbal alamin.. 
Posted by Ummi on May 14, 2008 at 7:55 am
Ameen… glad to know we all feel this way.
oh now I know u have 3 girls ! : )
Posted by adikbongsu on May 15, 2008 at 4:38 am
Insya’Allah….
Posted by Farhana on May 15, 2008 at 9:53 pm
As-salaamu’alaykum wa Rahmatu Llahi wa Barakatuhu my dearest sister,
Oh, this is very, very interesting.
Jazaki’Allahu khair for sharing
Wa’alaykum as-salaam
Love Farhana
Posted by Darya on September 9, 2009 at 9:46 am
is there an engagement ring involved? does the guy or the girl wear rings after the engagement?
Posted by adikbongsu on September 11, 2009 at 10:03 am
Yes, there is an engagement ring and only the girl wears it.