Slap slap slap …. not once, not twice but more …. much much more than I imagine. That’s what I received willingly accompanied with the shame that I am still no better than I was since the last Halaqah season 
I had hoped to improve but it seems that is not so. I have more to learn, more to reflect, more to change, need to impose more of self-discipline and repent.
As a student, yesterday was a wake-up call to me … AGAIN!!!
What was I doing in that class yesterday? Why am I still there but seems like nothing changing for me? Is my faith strong? Do I just give lip service saying “I love you Allah!” but ignoring what He wants me to do as a servant? Am I grateful for the bounty given to me so far? Have I realise the very purpose why I am here, right now on this 3rd planet from the Sun? So many more questions to answer. The answer may not come right now, may come sooner than I thought or it might never be reveal to me
I was in awe of some of the sisters yesterday, new found sisters and they are much much more younger than I am whom are bless with the urge (calling) to change themselves for the better by making the first move to seek Allah’s guidance. I pray that what they seek, they will find it soon and may it remains with them throughout their lives.
I pray that this time round I will somehow succeed and let the success come to silently and steadfastly to me. I pray that Allah won’t let me know or realise that I have achieve success for if I do know, I am afraid that I will be inflicted with the disease of the heart such as takabbur, riak, arrogant and many more. Na’uzubillah….
I no longer wish to assume of things or people for the word “assume” means “making an ass out of you and me.”
I no longer want to protect myself from my mistake by telling white lies. I realise that when I do tell white lies, the lies just get bigger and bigger.
I no longer want to feel anger or hatred that could destroy my relationship with those I love. For life is truly short to bear grudges and carry the burden of anger.
The only thing I want right now is to point all my ten fingers and toes to “ME”, to “I” and not “THEM”, not “They”. Truly the journey of self-discovery or spiritual journey is knowing myself, changing myself, focusing on myself before I make judgement on others.
I have so many wants and wishes …. but could I truly do all these??? Only Allah knows and to Him I seek refuge from the whispers of the devils and my nafs.
Amiiin!!
Posted by mamadewi on July 29, 2008 at 12:08 am
:’(
Posted by ksri on July 29, 2008 at 5:48 am
sentiment likewise busu
hope your legs are getting fine..take care sister:)hugs*
Posted by adikbongsu on July 29, 2008 at 12:04 pm
thank you sri … am sure wif the dua of my fellow sisters it will get better, insya’Allah… *hugs*
Posted by Janna on July 30, 2008 at 12:27 am
salams kak, just visited ur blog..yes i second ur entry on this..me too needed this waking up call so much…seems to be so lost in this worldly affairs for far too long..
lets be good together shall we..insyaAllah..ameen..
Posted by adikbongsu on July 30, 2008 at 12:43 am
Salam Janna, thks for dropping by
ameen to ur dua sister …. let’s all try hard ok
Posted by saly on July 30, 2008 at 7:44 am
Asalamualaikum Sis.
Dun be too hard on yourself
. Allah knows.
Posted by Farhana on July 31, 2008 at 3:13 am
As-salaamu’alaykum wa Rahmatu Llahi wa Barakatuhu,
Ameen.
Lovely post my very dear sister!! I don’t know if you can see the beauty in it. The sahabas (May Allah be pleased with them) were hardest on themselves before anyone else, and this is exactly what we should be doing.. so although I too feel like saying ‘don’t be hard on yourself’.. I’m glad you are, and I pray this is a means that will open more doors for you, and raise you higher in the sight of Allah.
And really.. if the halaqa’s had no impact on you, you wouldn’t still be attending them.
Insha’Allah I shall continue to keep you in my prayers, please do the same for me.
Wa’alaykum as-salaam
Love Farhana
PS: what about your legs?? I hope everything is okay, insha’Allah.
Posted by adikbongsu on July 31, 2008 at 9:31 am
Wa’alaikumussalam wr wb Saly and Farhana,
Ameen …. and thank you dear sisters for all your duas, I truly need them and you’re too in my duas, insya’Allah …
Farhana : my legs they sometime gets better and yet at times the pain is unbearable … but i take it as Allah’s test for me. I just hope I have the patience to bear with it and gain Allah’s blessing.